Thich Nhat Hanh Meditation Group, Roanoke, Virginia

The dharma reading for last week and this week was Chapter 5, “The Happiness of One Person,” of Thich Nhat Hanh’s Touching Peace: Practicing the Art of Mindful Living. A summary follows.

To prepare a person for living with another, Thay proposes an Institute for the Happiness of One Person, a one-year program with one course, “Looking Deeply.” The student would discover all the flowers and compost in himself, both his own and that from his ancestors and society. At the end of the course, he or she would receive a diploma saying he or she is qualified to marry.

Upon entering a new relationship we are very excited and enthusiastic, but before long our illusions disappear and we discover the reality. For example, if our partner says something unkind and we become irritated, a knot will form in us. With mindfulness, we can learn the skill of recognizing and untying these knots before they become too tight or strong. Otherwise, we may bury our feelings and deny their existence, but they will always resurface. Learning this and other communication skills is important, so we don’t plant seeds of suffering in those we love.

Practicing mindful living together – easiest if done from the start of the relationship – we can grow flowers rather than bring in more garbage. How much water does our flower need? How much sunshine? If we look into ourselves to discover our true nature or “suchness,” we can learn the answers to these questions. Everything has its suchness; that’s how we recognize an orange as an orange, not as a lemon. It’s how we are able to cook safely with propane gas. Thay illustrates suchness with a story about a man who thinks he is a kernel of corn – he is unable to discover his own suchness. To meditate is to look deeply into the nature of things: a person’s difficulties, aspirations, sufferings and anxieties – his or her suchness.

Loving speech and deep listening are important aspects of this practice. We must congratulate and express appreciation for things a person does well, not taking them for granted. This is the way to water the seeds of happiness. We should not say destructive or discouraging things.  If we cannot remain calm, we should refrain from speaking. Just breathe.

Everyone, even in a marriage, changes and grows. You need to promise to change and grow together. You can never know everything about one human being.

The monks and nuns at Plum Village practice Beginning Anew every week. This could also be practiced at the Institute for the Happiness of One Person. Beginnng Anew has three stages:

• flower watering: a speaker acknowledges the wholesome, wonderful qualities of the others
• expressing regrets for things we have done to hurt others
• expressing hurts and difficulties, ways in which others have hurt us

Compassionate listening, with the willingness to relieve the suffering of others without judging or arguing, is crucial. The goal is to heal the community, not harm it. The ceremony is ended with a song, or holding hands and breathing, or with hugging meditation.

Thay describes his invention of hugging meditation. He emphasizes that the hug must be real, done with all body, spirit and heart, not a gesture performed for appearances.

Next, he discusses the importance of understanding in love. Without understanding, love will only cause the other person to suffer. He illustrates love without understanding by describing his own aversion to the smell of the durian fruit, very popular in Southeast Asia. If someone were to require him to eat durian as an expression of love, he would suffer. Understanding means “to see the depth of the darkness, the pain, and the suffering of the other person.” You can make your partner unhappy, even with good will.

“Living together is an art…Art is the essence of life…The substance of art is mindfulness.” We don’t have to wait for the opening of the Institute for the Happiness of One Person. “You can begin practicing right away.”