Right Speech November 22, 2009
Posted by Alan in sangha.Tags: compassionate communication, compassionate listening, deep listening, fourth mindfulness training, letter writing, loving speech, mindful breathing, mindfulness, relationships, Right Speech, self-expression, telephone meditation
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On November 1 we read “Right Speech” from Thich Nhat Hanh’s Heart of the Buddha’s Teaching.
The chapter begins with the text of the Fourth Mindfulness Training, which describes Right Speech. Although communication technology is very sophisticated today, communication between individuals is perhaps more difficult than ever. Communication is blocked, between countries as well as person-to-person.
Right Speech is:
- Speaking truthfully
- Not speaking with a forked tongue, remaining loyal to the truth
- Not speaking cruelly
- Not exaggerating or embellishing
Right Speech is based on Right Thinking, providing us with a way to express our thoughts aloud, and our consciousness has to play the role of editor. Sometimes our suffering may manifest as speech or actions without going through the medium of thought. Expressing our suffering can harm us or others; when we don’t practice Right Mindfulness, we might not be aware of what is building up in us and say or write things we don’t really want to, hurting others when not intending to. We may have the intention of using words of reconciliation or forgiveness, but then say something unkind. When we speak with Right Mindfulness, we know whether our words are useful or creating problems.
Deep listening will help us avoid speaking only our own ideas rather than responding to the other person. When no one listens or understands, we become like a bomb, ready to explode. We all suffer, and restoring communication is urgent. Compassionate listening brings healing and relief, and restores communication. If you suffer so much and no one listens, the suffering will remain. But if someone listens and understands, relief comes after one hour. The one listened to is given the courage to speak; deep listening nourishes both speaker and listener.
Many of us are lonely even within our own families due to loss of listening and loving speech there. Some go to therapists; but even therapists experience suffering that makes them unable to be good listeners. “So if you really love someone, train yourself to be a listener.” We have also lost our capacity to use loving speech, to speak calmly and kindly without irritation or bitterness. Practicing the Fourth Mindfulness Training on the art of listening and loving speech is a great gift in restoring communication, harmony, love, and happiness in peaceful relationships.
When practicing the art of compassionate listening, you have to breathe mindfully while doing it so that compassion remains with you the entire time. If there is a lot of wrong information or injustice in what the person is saying, or if he blames or condemns you and you become irritated or angry halfway through, you cannot continue to listen. When this happens, breathing mindfully helps you hold compassion within yourself. If you can do this for one hour, he will feel much better. If you feel you can’t continue, say to your friend, “Dear one, can we continue in a few days? I need to renew myself so I can listen in the best way I can.” Then with more walking meditation, mindful breathing, and sitting meditation, in the practice of the Fourth Mindfulness Training, you will be able to restore yourself.
Sometimes we speak clumsily, even when what we say is true. If it creates suffering or internal knots in others, it still is not Right Speech. Understand the person and consider each word carefully so both form and content are “Right.” You have the right to tell another what’s in your heart but only if you are using loving speech. You have to train yourself to open your mouth only when you are sure you can use calm, loving speech. With determination and skillfulness we can learn to speak to each person in his or her own language – music, drugs, etc. – to open up communication and help others transform, like the bodhisattva Wondrous Sound in the Lotus Sutra.
Letter writing is a form of speech which can be safer because you have time to consider what you have written before sending it. It has to water the seeds of transformation and stir something in the heart of the other person to be Right Speech. Rewrite any phrase that can be misunderstood or upsetting. Right Mindfulness will tell you what to do. Do this several times; once you send the letter you can’t get it back. Look at the person to whom you are writing; if you can see his or her suffering, compassion will be born in you and you will feel better before even sending the letter, and you know the other person will also feel better. This way you restore communication.
Writing a book or an article or a song can be done the same way. We must write with our whole life, knowing our words will affect many others. We do not have the right to express our own suffering if it brings suffering to others. Young people listen to unwholesome music and songs, watering their seeds of sadness and agitation. We need to put away all these unwholesome books, songs, films, and games, so as not to take away others’ faith in life.
Telephone meditation is another practice of Right Speech. When making or receiving a call, we can first recite the words of this gatha and the freshness in our voice and words will bring happiness, not suffering, to the other:
Words can travel thousands of miles.
May my words create mutual understanding and love.
May they be as beautiful as gems,
as lovely as flowers.
“Mindfulness helps us slow down and listen to each word from the birds, the trees, and our own mind and speech.” As our practice deepens we are less caught up in words, can practice silence, and become “free as a bird, in touch with the essence of things.”
Peace Treaty June 29, 2008
Posted by Alan in sangha.Tags: anger, mindfulness, peace, peace note, peace treaty, Plum Village, refuge, relationships, sangha, suffering, Thich Nhat Hanh
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Today’s dharma reading was Chapter Six, “Peace Treaty,” from Thich Nhat Hanh’s Touching Peace: Practicing the Art of Mindful Living, pp. 61-71. Here’s a summary.
The first three pages of the chapter consist of the text of a treaty the monks and nuns at Plum Village have drafted to help re-establish peace between persons whose relationship has been interrupted by anger. The treaty opens with “In Order That We May Live Long and Happily Together, In Order That We May Continually Develop and Deepen Our Love and Understanding, We the Undersigned, Vow to Observe and Practice the Following…” It then contains two sections: first, for the one who is angry, and second, for the one who has made the other angry, each with a number of resolutions to observe. It closes with “We Vow, with Lord Buddha as Witness and the Mindful Presence of the Sangha, to Abide by These Articles and to Practice Wholeheartedly. We Invoke the Three Gems for Protection and to Grant Us Clarity and Confidence,” followed by space for the parties’ signatures. The remainder of the chapter consists of commentary on each of the resolutions.
For the angry person, the articles are to:
- refrain from saying or doing anything to further escalate the situation;
- not suppress the anger, but wait a certain period of time before expressing it;
- practice breathing and take refuge in one’s island;
- calmly tell the offender within 24 hours, verbally or by Peace Note, of the anger;
- ask for an appointment to “look deeply into the matter” together, verbally or by Peace Note;
- not to pretend, out of pride or avoidance, not to be angry (We are brothers and sisters; “my pain must be his pain. My suffering must be his suffering.”);
- during activities of daily life, look deeply into the various causes of the anger. Among these is recognition that the other person suffers, and that he or she cannot really “cause” the anger. Only when that other person “overcomes his suffering will happiness in the community be authentic;”
- apologize immediately upon realizing one’s own unskillfulness and lack of mindfulness;
- postpone the appointment, if one is still not calm enough to discuss the matter.
The articles for the person who has made the other angry are to:
- respect the angry person’s feelings without being dismissive;
- not press for immediate discussion;
- confirm the appontment, verbally or by note;
- practice breathing and take refuge in one’s island, recognizing that making another suffer does not relieve one’s own suffering, but in fact increases it;
- apologize immediately upon realizing one’s own unskillfulness and lack of mindfulness, without attempting to justify oneself.
The Peace Treaty is a mindfulness practice. It should not be signed unless one is mindfully committed. When mindfully signed, not only the two partners, but all others as well will benefit. “Be harmonious and happy!”
The Happiness of One Person June 24, 2008
Posted by Alan in sangha.Tags: marriage, mindful hugging, mindfulness, relationships, seeds of happiness, seeds of suffering, Thich Nhat Hanh
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The dharma reading for last week and this week was Chapter 5, “The Happiness of One Person,” of Thich Nhat Hanh’s Touching Peace: Practicing the Art of Mindful Living. A summary follows.
To prepare a person for living with another, Thay proposes an Institute for the Happiness of One Person, a one-year program with one course, “Looking Deeply.” The student would discover all the flowers and compost in himself, both his own and that from his ancestors and society. At the end of the course, he or she would receive a diploma saying he or she is qualified to marry.
Upon entering a new relationship we are very excited and enthusiastic, but before long our illusions disappear and we discover the reality. For example, if our partner says something unkind and we become irritated, a knot will form in us. With mindfulness, we can learn the skill of recognizing and untying these knots before they become too tight or strong. Otherwise, we may bury our feelings and deny their existence, but they will always resurface. Learning this and other communication skills is important, so we don’t plant seeds of suffering in those we love.
Practicing mindful living together – easiest if done from the start of the relationship – we can grow flowers rather than bring in more garbage. How much water does our flower need? How much sunshine? If we look into ourselves to discover our true nature or “suchness,” we can learn the answers to these questions. Everything has its suchness; that’s how we recognize an orange as an orange, not as a lemon. It’s how we are able to cook safely with propane gas. Thay illustrates suchness with a story about a man who thinks he is a kernel of corn – he is unable to discover his own suchness. To meditate is to look deeply into the nature of things: a person’s difficulties, aspirations, sufferings and anxieties – his or her suchness.
Loving speech and deep listening are important aspects of this practice. We must congratulate and express appreciation for things a person does well, not taking them for granted. This is the way to water the seeds of happiness. We should not say destructive or discouraging things. If we cannot remain calm, we should refrain from speaking. Just breathe.
Everyone, even in a marriage, changes and grows. You need to promise to change and grow together. You can never know everything about one human being.
The monks and nuns at Plum Village practice Beginning Anew every week. This could also be practiced at the Institute for the Happiness of One Person. Beginnng Anew has three stages:
- flower watering: a speaker acknowledges the wholesome, wonderful qualities of the others
- expressing regrets for things we have done to hurt others
- expressing hurts and difficulties, ways in which others have hurt us
Compassionate listening, with the willingness to relieve the suffering of others without judging or arguing, is crucial. The goal is to heal the community, not harm it. The ceremony is ended with a song, or holding hands and breathing, or with hugging meditation.
Thay describes his invention of hugging meditation. He emphasizes that the hug must be real, done with all body, spirit and heart, not a gesture performed for appearances.
Next, he discusses the importance of understanding in love. Without understanding, love will only cause the other person to suffer. He illustrates love without understanding by describing his own aversion to the smell of the durian fruit, very popular in Southeast Asia. If someone were to require him to eat durian as an expression of love, he would suffer. Understanding means “to see the depth of the darkness, the pain, and the suffering of the other person.” You can make your partner unhappy, even with good will.
“Living together is an art…Art is the essence of life…The substance of art is mindfulness.” We don’t have to wait for the opening of the Institute for the Happiness of One Person. “You can begin practicing right away.”
